George Burns Quotes and Jokes

104 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'