Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns Quotes and Jokes
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.