Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns Quotes and Jokes
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.