George Burns Quotes and Jokes

104 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.