Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 2

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.