Quotes & Jokes by George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

At my age flowers scare me.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.