Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 5

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Life's but a day at most.

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.