Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 6

I get a standing ovation just standing.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.