Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 6

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.