Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 35

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

“No comment” is a comment.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?