Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

What year did Jesus think it was?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.