Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.