Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.