Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

What year did Jesus think it was?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.