Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

The status quo sucks.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.