Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?