Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.