Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

All music is the blues. All of it.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!