Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Everything beeps now.

All music is the blues. All of it.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.