Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

All music is the blues. All of it.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Everything beeps now.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!