Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 4
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.
Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.