Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 5

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

This country is in a big hurry to go nowhere.

If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.

I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

There will never be a good time financially to get married unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you its your relationship that's insecure not his bank account.