Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 8

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'

If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.

Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

I'm in an abusive relationship with butter. And I'm the only one getting hurt.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?