Quotes & Jokes by Greg Giraldo / page 5
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
You are what you are. You don’t choose to be gay or straight. I don’t choose to be attracted to women, it sucks. I lose half my shit every ten years and have to start fresh.
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.