Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 15

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Take my wife… please!

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.