Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.