Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'