Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'