Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 3

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?