Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 3

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

My wife has a black belt in shopping.