Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 3

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.