Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.