Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"