Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"