Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?