Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'