Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.