Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.