Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.