Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.