Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

If I had blood, I'd blush.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.