Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.