Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

If I had blood, I'd blush.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...