Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 22

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.

I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.

If birds are attracted to your beard, you might be a redneck.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.