Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Never floss with a stranger.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.