Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Never floss with a stranger.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.

I am furious about everything.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.