Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I was not an attractive child.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.