Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 3

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'

Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.