Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Never floss with a stranger.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!