Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.