Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

May a holy man squat on your fez.

Read my lips: No new promises.

And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.

She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.

In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.