Johnny Carson Quotes and Jokes


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.