Johnny Carson Quotes and Jokes


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.