Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 5

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard.

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.