Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 5

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Only lie about the future.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.