Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 6

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Only lie about the future.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.