Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 16

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.