Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 16

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'