Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 16

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.