Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 17

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.