Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?