Milton Berle Quotes and Jokes


What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.