Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

116 quotes

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.