Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.