Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 8

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.