Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.