Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.