Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.