Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.