Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'