Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 4

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.