Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.