Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.