Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.