Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.