Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.