Richard Lewis Quotes and Jokes

276 quotes

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

Political views divide faster than marriages.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.