Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 2
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.
One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.
On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.