Richard Lewis Quotes and Jokes

276 quotes

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

Political views divide faster than marriages.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.