Richard Lewis Quotes and Jokes

276 quotes

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

Political views divide faster than marriages.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

Depression can be a mirage.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.