Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 11

My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.

My car broke down this morning before I did.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

I'm so isolated that most of my life I don't know where I am.

I believe in unidentified flying obstacles.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

I'll have a great weekend if I'm not involved.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.