Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 11

My car broke down this morning before I did.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

I believe in unidentified flying obstacles.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

I'll have a great weekend if I'm not involved.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.