Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12
The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.
Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.
When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'
If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.