Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Desperation is my sweet spot.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'