Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 3

Comedy is hard. Complaining is easy.

I'm so disgusted by feeling disgusted I've decided to accept it.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.

Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'

There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.

I lied to my shrink today. I told her the truth.

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.