276 quotes
An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.
I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.
My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.
Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.
When in doubt you might be right.
My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.
I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.
There's no place like home that's why I never went back.
I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
My ego wears an Ace bandage.
My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.
