Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.