Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

The monkey on my back is me.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.