Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.