Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".