Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".