Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!