Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."